Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
