Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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