i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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