If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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