U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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