Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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