Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Randomize
