Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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