in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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