it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
