Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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