Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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