YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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