Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
