I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
