Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
