you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
