I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
