She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
