Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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