I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I should be sponsored by Trojan
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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