im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize