i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
