I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Your cock deserves a montage
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
