and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i drank out of a bidet.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
