what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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