My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
