I wish my penis had an off switch
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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