I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
