my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
