I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
