Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
