i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
