I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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