I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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