either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
