im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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