the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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