You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
