the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
