Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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