I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
