i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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