Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
it glows. i had to have it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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