if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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