Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
