I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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