Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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