The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
17 year olds will be the death of me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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