so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
