Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
