I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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