Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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