i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
