i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
